The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The Lady of the House was to prepare the meal.



When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'



He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'



She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'



He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the Yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.







All morning long,Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.







The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.







After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.



She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'



Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.



The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'



Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person in to the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.



After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now,' and he left.



They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped.

COMMENTS

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HAWK2K
22:52 Oct 29 2008

and the lesson is:



Thou shall not try to outdue your friends!

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POST COMMENT

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.















'Mister,' he said, 'I want to buy one of your puppies.'















'Well,' said the farmer,















as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, 'These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.'















The boy dropped his head for a moment.















Then reaching deep into his pocket,















he pulled out a handful of change















and held it up to the farmer.















'I've got thirty-nine cents.















Is that enough to take a look?'















'Sure,' said the farmer.















And with that he let out a whistle.















'Here, Dolly!' he called.















Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran















Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.















The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.















As the dogs made their way to the fence,































the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.















Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...















'I want that one,' the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, 'Son, you don't want that puppy.. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.'















With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.















In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.















Looking back up at the farmer, he said,















'You see sir, I don't run too well myself,















and he will need someone who understands.'















With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.































Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.















'How much?' asked the little boy. 'No charge,' answered the farmer, 'There's no charge for love.'















The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, [even if retired you have those days sometimes] try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. "



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."



HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS

Investment tips for 2009





For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers



so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.





Watch for these consolidations in 2009:





1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace



Co.



will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.





2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:



Poly, Warner Cracker.





3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:



MMMGood.





4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and



become:



ZipAudiDoDa.







5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:



FedUP.





6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:



Fairwell Honeychild.





7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:



PouponPants.





8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:



Knott NOW!





And finally....





9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:



TittyTittyBangBang

The Williams and Spears families were gathered together for their reunion in Wooster, Arkansas.







Everyone was visiting and having a great time while they enjoyed a delicious catered lunch of fried catfish, chicken, fries, hush puppies, cole slaw, and ice tea.







Some mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's ice tea.







After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.







'What happened, Grandpa?' his concerned children asked.



'Well...,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. But, when I took it out and started to pee, I noticed it wasn't mine -- so I put it back!'

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER...







....

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You

don't even Have



to like 'em!



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve

Party.

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine

on, covered our

pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.



We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The

taxi

Arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.



The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.

We

Didn't want the cat shut in the house because she

always tries to eat

The bird.



My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get

the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in

the cab, my

Wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house

will be empty for

The night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will

be out soon,



'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my

mother.'



A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took

so long,' I

Said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding

under the bed. I

Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried

to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to

wrap her in

a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I

hauled her

fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back

yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car.